Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
