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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.